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Written by Nigel
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Wednesday, 01 October 2008 |
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It’s not an exaggeration to say that the question I get asked the most is “Don’t you get lonely?” I suppose it’s a reasonable question, I do spend much of my time alone. Steph often works in far away places and even when he is in Sweden he keeps normal office hours. There is however a dark undercurrent to the question, an unwritten assumption that being alone is a bad thing. There seems to be a fear of being alone, a presumption that being you are alone because you are unworthy in some way. For some this may be true. I don’t quite see it that way.
 I have always been careful who I have as friends, who I spend time with. I have gone so far as to suspend my facebook account because it seems everyone who ever knew me wants to be my friend. Is there some kind of contest? Does having more contacts make you a better, more worthy person? People I worked in the same building as years ago suddenly want to add me as a friend – why? I don’t know them; they certainly don’t know me, why is there this pressure to keep adding contacts? As the world spins faster and faster - or maybe it just seems that way when an email can travel around the world in fractions of a second – we need to find ways ways of coping with the resulting pressures and demands. We need to maintain some semblance of balance and some sense that we are in control of our lives, making our own destinies. Otherwise its easy to feel overloaded; we overreact to minor annoyances and feel like we can never really catch up. As far as I'm concerned, one of the best ways to counter the demands of the world is by seeking, and enjoying, solitude. That said there is an important distinction to be established right from the get-go. There is an ocean of difference between solitude and loneliness, though the two terms can be, are often used interchangeably, to me at least they mean quite different things.
I suppose to the casual observer, solitude and loneliness look a lot alike. Both are characterized by solitariness, but all similarity between them ends at the surface. Loneliness is a negative state, marked by a sense of isolation, a feeling that something is missing. It is possible to be with people and still feel lonely – and that perhaps is the most bitter form of loneliness. In contrast solitude is the state of being alone without being lonely. It is a positive and constructive state of engagement with oneself. Solitude is desirable, a state of being alone where you provide yourself with wonderful and sufficient company.
Solitude is a time that can be used for reflection, inner searching or growth or enjoyment of some kind. Reading requires solitude, so does experiencing the beauty of nature. Thinking and creativity usually do too. Solitude to me suggests a peacefulness that comes from a state of inner richness. It is a means of enjoying the quiet and whatever it brings that is satisfying. It is something we should actively seek and cultivate. Solitude is refreshing; an opportunity to renew ourselves. In other words, it replenishes us.
Loneliness is harsh, punishment, a deficiency state, a state of discontent marked by a sense of estrangement, an awareness of excess aloneness. Solitude is something you can choose. Loneliness is never a choice and is often imposed on you by others.
I believe everyone need periods of solitude, although as individuals we all probably differ in the amount of solitude we need. For everyone though some solitude is essential; it gives us time to explore and know ourselves. It is the necessary counterpoint to intimacy; it is what allows us to have a self that is worth sharing, that has something to share. Solitude gives us a chance to regain perspective. It renews us for the challenges of life. It allows us to get [back] into the position of controlling our own lives, rather than having our lives run by schedules and demands from others.
And returning to the question “Don’t you get lonely?” I can honestly say that solitude restores me - body and mind. Loneliness can only deplete me. I may often find myself alone, but I am seldom lonely. |
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Last Updated ( Thursday, 25 September 2008 )
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